Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
