I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
