I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I'm passing your future prison.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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