I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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