Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
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Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
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btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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