Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
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That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
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Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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