My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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