I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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