I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
