haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize