I cockslap morals
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
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he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
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She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.