another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I think my moral compass just broke
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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