I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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