I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
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I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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