I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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