My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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