my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
