Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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