Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
