i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
