seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.