I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
