The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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