so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
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I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
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Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.