seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
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she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
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I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high