I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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