I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Of course I have a pirate flag
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
