i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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