The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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