Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
