my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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