you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
