I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
