Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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