Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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