Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
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