I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Randomize
