i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just found puke in my bra..
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
