Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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