nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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