I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
