just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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