EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
