I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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