Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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