At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
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god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
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I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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