She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.