Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
