he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
