There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
