I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
My bed smells like the plague