so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.